Hi everyone! I am back with the 2nd part of “Rising above the misery”. (In case, you haven’t read part 1, here’s a link -http://wp.me/p7Djzw-1a . Do check it so you know the whole thing.)
In my previous post, I wrote about my relationship with my boyfriend and how my journey to self healing started after all the heart break I had. And in this post I will be writing about my one of the instances that left a huge mark on my mind and urged me to seek for happiness within myself.
It is not that I have overcome my stage of brokenheartedness. I am still on my way to healing. I am trying different things to remain calm. I dance, listen to music, do yoga, play with the toddlers, sketch, sing, go out, wear pretty clothes, put a smile on my lips, meet people and do things that make me happy. But there are times when I just don’t want to see anyone. It gets so hard to take the pain that I simply shun myself away from one and all and “HomeLock” my self for weeks watching tv, surfing net, reading, writing, eating and simply not conversing with anyone. During those insomniac nights I would hug BoGo (a teddy bear my boyfriend gifted me 2 years back) and talk to him for hours, cry my heart out with him, give him messages for my boyfriend as if he would deliver it all to him, and finally ask him to put me to sleep when I’ve had enough (strangely, he does). Just tried to cope up in my solitude with the unenviable and excruciating pain that I guess, I have myself been the reason for. One of the things during this time I also do is – reading our old conversations. While I went through it, I came across an e-mail that I had sent him while our relationship was going through the hard phase.
Although, I used to e-mail him constantly while our relationship was on the verge of breaking, but this email was different. This was nothig that was ment to save our relationship. When I read it, it felt like a different read altogether. I had written it with a subconscious mind I guess. I really didn’t know what I was writing then. I was all dismayed, broken, disturbed, unable to manifest my disorganised thoughts. I was going crazy and found myself on the way to sabotage. Yet, I wrote that email to him. L’ll did I know that my subconscious mind was still trying to protect me from doing any self-harm. Yes, you read that right. Though I wasn’t in the right state of my mind to understand what was happening, and could have done something worse, my subconcious mind was trying it’s best to not let the worst happen to me. You would think I am still not in my senses but when you read what I am about to share with you now, you would know exactly what I have been saying and why.
In case you still haven’t guessed it, it is the email that I sent him. It goes like this:
“I don’t know what to say. You don’t know what to do. We don’t know what will happen. You are my strength and my strength has given up on me. Once a day and i’m leaving it on destiny. Just once a day and a wait of eternity. This is not a movie and that was not a dream for dreams are not real. It looks like a test without results. This is life. Nothing was / is / will be permanent. Even those bound by blood will eventually disappoint you. And relationships of heart won’t last. No promise made in good time has ever come true. And we have to deal with the worst that comes to us. Sometimes we move on and sometimes we can but don’t because we do not have the strength or will anymore. Coz we aren’t able to sink in the harsh reality and just give up. What we sink in, is solitude and depression and forget to appreciate what we have been blessed with so far. Not all days are alike neither all fingers are, yet we want our life to be the same throughout. Something impossible yet we crave for it. We try but when we can’t, we start feeling like a loser. If we don’t feel that ways, others make us feel guilty of what they couldn’t accomplish. When we have been following someone and then one day we don’t act according to them, they take it on their pride and they know what will hurt us the most, they make us believe that everything we did so far by ourselves was wrong. They make us feel guilty of things we didn’t do the way they liked. And they just don’t want to accept the fact that we have matured and that we do things the way it suits us and still try our best to keep everyone happy. Being a l’ll selfish isn’t a sin, but hurting others is. Loving ourselves is not a sin, but disrespecting others is. Doing things that make us happy is not a sin but letting others tell us how to act is. We are all individuals, grown up, mature and have our own mind and own life. But still we don’t leave people we are connected to. Yes, sometimes we fail to give our 100%. Sometimes we fail to keep in touch. But we still try our best to keep up with them. It’s not right to blame ourselves or others of things gone wrong that we didn’t wish for and neither it is right to accept the blames that others put on us, just because we got connected to an unfortunate event somehow. Good or bad, sometimes, things have to happen and they happen anyway. We can’t do anything about it. That doesn’t mean we are irresponsible or to be held responsible for the unfortunate. But still we think it’s our fault. Still we blame ourselves and let others blame us and we become our own enemies. “I am my best friend and I am my worst enemy”. Then there are good times we cherish and promise our people to be together in good and bad but when time comes, what we thought was important doesn’t seem important anymore. People start to think that they prioritised the unworthy and ignored what should have been at the top of the list. The essence of any relationship is not how we priorities them or whom we spend more time with but how we value the relationship. How much we care to protect it from being broken. Things fall off and break but the internal bond that holds us with that – the feeling – that stays intact and nothing in the world can change that. The fire may destroy a body but the soul rises much higher than it’s reach, purified from all the intentional and unintentional sins to take a new form. And the true bond is what connects us with that soul in new form again in the same life or new. So we never really go apart, it’s just the body that does. But we spend our life in despair for losing something / someone we actually haven’t lost but just not found again because we didn’t give ourselves another chance. Why to live a life like that when we know the reality. Because it’s hard to accept. Acceptance comes only if we will, if we forgive others and ourselves as well. We want to do so many things but we all have our limitations. The problem is we think of giving up on what we have rather than focusing on ways to make the best of it and are left with hands empty by the end. Then again we blame. We expect so much from ourselves and others and reach the point where it starts hurting. That’s okay, because we are humans not machines. We ain’t wired to work selfless. Nobody does anything without expectations. Even our creators want us to take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves. And that’s not wrong. We don’t expect from strangers to come and take care of us when we need them. We expect from people we have loved and taken care of. And the circle continues. A l’ll crack and it starts to bleed. Silence is dangerous. It’s like a gap between two high mountains facing each other. Distance doesn’t separate people but silence does and the pain gets imprinted in our hearts forever. We become vulnerable to future and life is no more the way we imagine it to be. Every relationship has it’s own sanity. and we fail to keep that so we grow apart. We don’t forget, we don’t forgive, we don’t accept.. But we should. For ourselves, for people we love and people who love us and stay strong together…
I don’t know what have I written above. I am not in the right state today but I am praying that everything will be fine.”
So this was it. I never knew that my own words would sooth my aching heart so much that I would finally write a post about it. I don’t know how this had effected the person I had intended it to, but I guess, it was actually ment for me from my own self. This psychic activity of my mind that happened below the level of my awareness is a reminder to me that whenever we are in tough times, thinking we are all alone, we are actually not. We always have it in us to make things better. Our supreme power that guides this world is always trying to guide us towards the right path. All we have to do is listen to it and we can get through anything in our life. So, do anything to make you feel better – cry, argue, dance, sing, talk, go out, look good, just anything, but never cease to give this life a tough fight. And trust yourself. You would just be fine. Let us get together on our journey to self-healing. Let us hold each-other’s hands to inspire and help those who need it the most.
I would feel so blessed if this article of mine could heal even a single hurting soul.
Lots of love & healing to anyone & everyone who reads this.