This post is not just about words of going through tough times. I’ve put my heart in it. It was important to do so, because sometimes when we are unable to speak what’s bothering, writing down our feelings is the best way to express.
It’s been some time since I broke up with my boyfriend. I can’t exactly tell how much time as it happened oddly. There were no arguments, no fights, no cursing no goodbys, nothing. I didn’t even get to see him before it ended. All I remember is that I could feel my relationship was falling apart and despite all my attempts to save it – I failed. But yes, it’s been 8 months & 4 days since I last saw him, hugged him and felt his warm touch on my super cold body. Feels like yesterday, he was there with me at the airport from where I had my flight for my next destination. We were holding hands and just wouldn’t let go of each other. While on our way to airport I had this strange feeling- what if we never met again? Knowing we’ve always managed to stay together for so long, I shrugged it off. L’ll did I know what was stored in furture for us and that it was not just a sad feeling but my instinct. He hugged me tight before I went in for my flight and that feeling creeped in again and each day since then has been a roller coaster of emotions. I felt deceived but it wasn’t his fault alone. He was going through a difficult phase of his life which I regrettably failed to understand for the 1st time in our journey together (no amount of apology can make up for it). And as soon as I did, I guess it was a tad too late. But still I tried to not let this relationship go, for it was so important to me. Not because we have been in relationship for 3 years but because I couldn’t bear to see a friendship we nurtured for almost 10 years die due to unpleasant circumstances. I love him more than I thought I did. Not to forget – I still do!
(Pic courtesy: Google Image)
For as long as we were together, for me, we were the best. We had a world of our own. I always seeked a relationship that challenges me to get over my own limitations & helps me grow into a better human being than one that gives me butterflies. I took pride knowing I was in relationship with someone who’s so knowledgeable and humourous yet so humble and sensible. Honestly, I don’t know how to put our level of understanding in words, but I was proud of us. We would tease & annoy each other to hell at one moment and then would load each other with thousand kisses the very next moment. We would laugh, argue, cry, travel, go on crazy long drives to distant places whose untouched beauty always mesmerised us. While we could see couples cuddling with each other in the silent corners of the sea shore, we would be sitting on the rocks noticing the crabs play. We would listen to our favourite music on the way and while cooking too. We were a lover of tasty food. We would watch movies and our favourite shows together. We could talk about life, universe and everything. We would talk about things for lengths, obviously never reaching on any conclusions. But that was not the point. It was our bond that we could share anything and everything with each other without the fear of being misunderstood. I believe that is the essence of any healthy relationship being able to speak our mind without being judged. There was no palce for secrets, lies and negativity between us. Only positivity and happiness flowed and we would just dive in. Such used to be our times of love. We did all the crazy things together. We did almost everything a couple does and so much that was still to be explored together. However, I do believe it wasn’t a typical college romance for sure. We were much above that. The sense of respect we had for each other was exceptional (atleast as i see it). We actually grew with each other. No matter what came by, it was our faith in each other that kept us going stronger than ever before. I always had this notion that relationships based on love, trust and respect ain’t as easy to die out. Never in my dreams had I expected an end to all this in the way it happened. But it did happen and in a blink my life turned upside down. He blocked me from his life without a valid reason. It wasn’t WHAT he did but HOW he did it – that broke my heart more. We had never let a third person tell us how to sort out our issues. But like any other person in love would do, determined to make this relationship work, I made several desperate attempts to sort it all out. I asked his friends for help keeping my self respect at stake and felt more than humiliated. Yet I tried and was, but obviously – disappointed. I would send him emails, wait for the clock to strike 5 so I could call him and talk to him (disadvantage of being in a long-distance relationship). I would call him atleast once a day to make sure he is fine, to make make him feel better in any possible way I can, to make sure he doesn’t have to face the bad times alone. It was important I give him his space and time. But all went in vain and I was caught in a situation where I myself lost all hopes when he said “I don’t want to be with you anymore“. His words pierced my heart and shattered me into pieces. I couldn’t believe he said that. I still can’t. But he said it. It all got me terribly depressed but I still was trying my best to keep myself calm for I ain’t among the ones to let anything disrupt or ruin my mental peace. Yet there I was – totally unstable. He closed all the doors and built a thick wall of silence between us and I kept standing at the stoep anguished with a bleeding soul, reckoning him to open up someday so I could help heal his aching soul. But he didn’t. To be honest, I am still standing there and it is so hurtful to know that he wouldn’t come or let me help.
It’s been a hell of 8 months (still counting) and even today, I long to hear him call my name in his sweetest voice full of love. I long to be in his arms close to his heart. I long for the taste of his lips on mine that reminded me of us being head over heels in love with each other. I long to see him looking at me as if I was a miracle that happened to him. I long to look into those innocently glittering eyes of his that were a mirror to his heart and I could see myself shining bright in them. I long for those moments when I would feel like giving up and he would pump my fuel back with his soothing words to keep going. Left alone with his memories now, I keep a face of that strong girl who has moved on in her life but deep inside I am still there, in front of that wall with a heart full of hurt, eyes full of tears and mind full of unanswered questions.
Sometimes it just feels like a bad dream. As if, he would trun up soon or call me in some time and we would get back just the way we did during some of our silly midnight arguments that we never let overpower our love for each other (I can bet all the odds against it though). Trust me, I try my best to stay happy but most of the times I end up stumbling over things that reminds me of him. Small birthday notes, anything I wore he would load me with compliments in, a few pictures of us together (for most of them got deleted accidentally and I kept crying the whole night for the loss) and most of all, the memories we made together that keeps playing like a movie in my head every now and then, just wouldn’t let my mind rest. The things I own doesn’t feel like they belong to me anymore. Even the simplest chores like cooking, packing up for travel, just about anything else would execrably remind me of him. Even a comedy show we watched together makes me cry.
Just like this comic strip I read sometime back that described various couple moments. I cried throughout the strip as I could relate so much to it. (See pic above)
Our jounery from strangers to friends to best friends to lovers to realising that we were soulmates and that we were meant to be, has been incredible. Sometimes, I look at the sky twinkling with stars that would remind me of his eyes that would shine with excitement while talking to me about the stars, the planets, the galaxies, the universe, the life, the history, the mountains, the earth, the people, the culture, reading stories from the books he liked, singing this favourite songs to me, his love for dogs & dolphins, his people he loved and so much more. I would listen to him no less than a curious child as I wanted to know everything about him. It used to be so exhilarating to hear to him speak his heart out with so much enthusiasm. He had this magic to make even the most boring topic get interesting. Especially with a restless soul like me, he had all the patience in the world to make me get to talking about things I never really liked or bothered much about. A gentle soul he was. I would describe every single moment spent with him as magical. But that would be too less to say. No words of description can do justice to the feelings I felt for him, with him. I would like to think that he misses me too, that he has the same feelings I am having. I always tell my self ‘no person is bad only the life sometimes make it difficult to act/ think wisely’. And life is what took toll on the relationship which was so sacred to me that I still value the memories of it. Yes, I do. No matter what happened, but he gave me the best of everything and this is how I sometimes even mock myself “best of relationship and best of heartbreak”.
Coming over to the topic now. Sorry I took so long to get on it. It wouldn’t have been sensible to start penning down about healing without mentioning about the pain. So, it was crucial that I 1st write about what hit me so hard that I needed to heal myself and then move on to how I rose up and above all.
(This was part 1 that focused on the relationship which eneded and made my life miserable for some preiod of time untill I started walking on my path to healing. I would be writing a part 2 that would be focused on one particular part of my journey that made me realise that why we should seek for peace and happiness within ourselves and not outside. This is an important landmark on my journey. You may or may not relate to my story but we all share a mutual feeling of pain at some point of our life to which we react in our own unique way. That is our own way to heal. So, don’t forget to like, follow, leave your comments and share this article with your friends & followers. If you wish to share anything, I am up for a discussion. I would be glad to help you in any way I can. Or would simply listen to what you have to say without judging you because sometimes all we need is someone to hear us out without being judgemental.)
Lots of love and healing to anyone & everyone who reads this.🙂 😇